Bridges and Shields
On not using a greeting card as a weapon.
On the day that sparked Mild Regards, way back in 2015, I read every birthday card in the grocery store looking for just one that did not imply the birthday boy was a great person. He’s family and I love him forever, but a card reading “To the one who made me who I am today” would be a blunt force weapon. It would not mean what the card company had intended.*
There are times a blunt force card is warranted. I direct you, again, to this absolute gem:
Sometimes we need a finer tool. A nonviolent one, though violence is so tempting. In straightforward situations, cards are gifts, or perhaps obligations. Other times a card serves a very specific purpose, and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what those purposes are.
For imperfect relationships, cards are bridges and shields.
The famous Tolstoy quote says, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I’m not sure how I feel about the sameness of happy families, but of course each imperfect relationship is different. Yet in the infinite variety of unhappy families, there are patterns. When we cringe while flipping through grocery store greeting cards, there tends to be two very different reasons, requiring two very different tools.
If you don’t want to mail a lie, but you’d like something good and beautiful to say, the card needs to serve as a bridge.
Bridges
There are plenty of cards to tell people they’re wonderful and you adore them. It’s harder if you can’t say everything is peachy.
Some relationships are hard work. Frankly, most relationships are hard work at least some of the time. What can you say to Aunt Carla, when every holiday she greets you with, “You’ve lost weight!” and doesn’t ask a single question about your life? Good grief. Other than polite fiction, what’s left?
If you don’t want to mail a lie, but you’d like something good and beautiful to say, the card needs to serve as a bridge.
Bridges are vague and positive, and they must be true.
“Thinking of you” cards are great for this. Simple art cards and photo cards are perfect. Postcards from vacation work, too. Bridge cards for birthdays and holidays work best when they have as few pre-written words as possible.
The inscription can be brief and simple, but preferably heartfelt:
I saw the loveliest thing the other day and it reminded me of you.
I was just remembering that time when we…
Thanks for the way you…
You’re beautiful.
I love you. Happy — day.
A bridge might imply a stronger positive sentiment, but it shouldn’t pigeonhole you.
Being human together is hard. A bridge card lets us honor our love for each other—or at least hold space for good things in the future–without glossing over reality.
Shields
If a bridge card is for connection, a shield card is for protection.
A shield card has one goal: don’t make the situation worse.
Some relationships slightly suck, but you’re committed anyway. Maybe you’re unwilling to give up on them. Maybe they have power over you. Maybe you have to keep the peace in order to have the broader family relationships you want.
If that’s your situation, I’m sorry. That’s not the reality anyone would choose.
When the relationship is that difficult, but you’re sending a card anyway, there’s one goal: don’t make the situation worse.
A bridge card should say very little; a shield card should say even less. You’re not going to reveal your true thoughts here, right, so it gets tricky to come up with anything true and nontoxic to say. Ideally, the outside of the card says absolutely nothing, so that you can write the holiday (“Happy birthday!” etc.) inside to take up a little more space.
The inscription for a shield card might read,
A little birdie told me it’s time to celebrate. (N.B. I did not say I want to celebrate.)
Happy — day to a one-of-a-kind person.
Who has the best lawn? You do!
To the one who never puts raisins where chocolate chips ought to be.
Thanks for all that you do. (This works even if you wish what they did were more/less/different. It does not work if what they do is destructive to your life.)
Happy — day! I hope it’s a great one.
A shield card lets you complete your obligations so that your life can go on. Maybe it holds space for things to improve in the future. Maybe it just lets you get past a difficult day. Both goals are valid.
As always, the fancier and prettier the card is, the more it distracts from the lukewarm sentiments inside.
I hope you can be kind to yourself as you prepare for Mother’s and Father’s Days, and all the upcoming holidays you celebrate. I’ll be posting a few more roundups of fascinating, beautiful, useful, and funny cards over the next few weeks.
Wishing you every good thing.
* yes of course I was tempted to send that one anyway. But I went with a card that said, “Party all (picture of a knight). Party on, sir.” That was the best least-bad card Kroger had. That.
very very true xD
Wonderful to have the focus honed for two ultimate purposes. Brilliant and delightful read, as always!