Valentine's cards when you're considering divorce
And other awkward, thorny situations
Valentine’s Day is extremely straightforward for some people and extremely not for others. If you are committed and planning to continue being committed, you can find less sappy cards here, sappy-but-funny cards here, sarcastic cards here, vulnerable cards here, and beautiful cards here. I also highly recommend sitting down with plain paper to write an old-fashioned love note.
If you are single, I hope you do kind things for yourself, and perhaps for a friend. It’s a lovely day to indulge your own dearest interests and honor those who make the world brighter for you.
We could talk about Strategic Plausible Deniability for those whose relationships blur the categories of friend and lover, but honestly that is not my favorite game. Send a friendlyish card like this or this, and maybe some Lego flowers. (How do you know a card is friendlyish? You can imagine sending it to your favorite aunt.)
You can say something like, “Happy Valentine’s day! I’m glad you are in my life.” Even if you do not know what to call them when talking to your mother.
But.
How do you send a Valentine’s card if you are on the brink of divorce? What about if you plan to stay together but you just don’t like them right now? What if you just don’t know what the future holds?
You can skip sending a card. A tradition is not an obligation. It is okay to prioritize other things, and to show love in other ways.
A tradition is not an obligation.
Still, skipping cards is easy. You don’t need a Substack post to tell you how to do that. (But for the record: “Hey, I know we usually do Valentine’s Day in X way, but moving forward I’d like to do Y instead. Thoughts?” Y = switch from gifts to cards only, focus on our anniversary instead, spend the day volunteering at the animal shelter, take over the world, whatever.)
Sending a card when things are fraught, that’s what we’re here for.
I am not assuming you know what you want the future to hold. Still, you may want to think about the message you are trying to send. Is it hope that things can become good again? Is it love in the midst of the mess? Is it soul-acknowledgement of a person who has been important in your life? Holding on to them? Or just holding space for multiple possible futures?
If you have kids, congratulations, you have the best cop-out. Instead of writing a card, help the kids do something wonderful for your partner. It is a safe and loving thing to do for everyone. Take time to help the littles cut out paper hearts from their old artwork, or draw those amazing, weird squooshed-looking hearts all over a folded piece of paper and write down a bunch of compliments from the kids. Work with them to do whatever chore’s undone-ness annoys your partner most, or make their favorite meal together. Put batteries back in all the headlamps and flashlights or help the preschooler clean your partner’s shoes with a washcloth.
If you want to send a card yourself, remember, beauty + vagueness are your friends.
A gorgeous blank card is the easiest, especially something artist-made like this from Wheat Art Co. Inside, the obvious thing to write is Happy Valentine’s Day.
Skipping the mass-produced sentiments, a lovely card like this from Rifle Paper with only the words “Happy Valentine’s Day” will not steer you wrong. Inside, write one of these:
Thank you for being in my life.
Thank you for being a bright spot in my life.
Feeling grateful for you this Valentine’s Day.
I really love how you…
Hoping your Valentine’s Day is full of joy.
I hope you have a great Valentine’s Day.
Doodle a heart or a shooting star or something.
Want to get more wordy? Write a happy memory, like “Remember how the day we got engaged the waitress couldn’t figure out why you were kneeling on the floor and…”
Is there anything you still appreciate about them as a person? Focus the card on that. “I was watching you parent the other day and really appreciated how careful you are to always take the tiny people’s emotions seriously.”
Is there any way they touch your life that you are grateful for? “I realized today that I still don’t know what service we use to file taxes, and I can’t remember the last time I had to unload a dishwasher. You touch my life in so many small, beautiful ways. Here’s to the everyday moments.”
Do you love them? Write that. Write “I love you, Name.” We cannot hear it enough, especially when it is uncertain.
You can always show in deeds what you aren’t sure how to say in words. Do something kind for them. Make their favorite meal. Lighten their burdens somehow. It is okay that life is messy. Maybe this year you can’t say “Here’s to forever”, but you can say, “I made your grandma’s cabbage recipe for dinner, and I repaired the antique cabinet for you.”
Here are cards for reassuring someone that, in the midst of all life’s stresses, you’d choose them again:
And here are a few more that are lovely, yet not overly specific.
On the other hand, if beauty + vagueness aren’t quite right, how about stark truth?
We have found it, the One True Card! Close the greeting card aisle and use this for every occasion. This is TRUE FOR EVERYBODY.
By the way: I am happy to help you find a card for your specific situation, for free.
And if there is a lot of interest, I can post a thread for all of us to recommend our favorite cards and cardmakers, request help with the thorniest situations, and generally commiserate about the joys and difficulties of being human together.
P.S. Amazon links are affiliate links; independent shop and artist links are not. (But if you are on the fence between two cards, or you don’t need Prime shipping, 100% go with the one from the independent seller.)
A simple drop of golden sunshine in my little cup of today. Brilliant always!