Valentines: "It's Complicated" Edition

They're hardcore zero waste, is there a not-card for that?

This Valentine's day, I'm lucky enough to get to collaborate with Elizabeth Bryson. Liz has been gift-matching for friends, family, and complete strangers for years. She’s a therapist-in-training and about to open a specialty bookshop that will also offer gift-matching services to customers.

We mused a bit on what gifts are and what Valentine’s Day means to us, then collaborated on what cards and gifts we’d suggest for…

1. They’re too cool for Valentine's Day, but

2. It’s a brand new relationship

3. Your kid grew out of 12-pack cards

4. They’re an artist / aficionado

5. You’ve done it all already

6. You might be divorcing

7. They’re hardcore zero-waste

Valentine’s definition from Oblation

Why is Valentine’s Day so hard?

Brigid: The first thing we want to say is that, really, you don't have to give gifts to everyone. 

Liz: Absolutely. It's against my gifting philosophy (such that it is) to encourage people to buy gifts for people they really don't want to buy gifts for—or for people who have made it clear they don't want gifts. There are so many ways that people, and especially women, anxiously participate in consumerist activities despite it being against their better judgement, or values, or financial, emotional, or spiritual wellbeing. 

Brigid: It’s true. We spend a lot of energy trying to do The Perfect Thing, but sometimes the perfect thing to do is nothing. Oh hey, the Auntie Bulletin had a fabulous recent essay on not giving gifts to kids while nourishing the relationship. It can be extrapolated to other relationships too.

Liz: I also think a lot about that essay in Braiding Sweetgrass when I think about gifts and the meanings they transmit. 

Brigid: Cards—and gifts—have 2 roles: bridges and shields. Bridges are a way to draw closer despite potentially irreconcilable differences. They’re “thanks for making the kids belly laugh so hard they snorted milk (even though you never cleaned the milk up)”. Bridges are for when you love them in all their complexity but Will Not pretend all is well. 

Shields fulfill obligations without revealing your inner thoughts or signing up for an extra helping of criticism. If keeping harmony is important in order to, for example, keep your health insurance, you need a card that signals the right things without making you feel like a liar. My go-to shield is gorgeous art of poisonous flowers. 

Liz: I tend to come across two main difficulties in gift-giving: 1) not thinking flexibly about what a gift can be, and 2) getting stuck on how to express care to this particular person at this particular time. 

The first is about learning to appreciate the wide universe of things you can call a gift: items, yes, but also experiences, learning opportunities, acts of service, letters, food, even business planning support. And it can be really fun to figure out how to “dress up” a non-standard gift so that it feels more special and festive. For the second challenge, I think we all need to be reminded that the people we care about are not static lists of demographics or interests. (“50 Best Gifts for Dads!”) We are always evolving. How we need and want to be shown care is constantly changing.

You know, it's kind of interesting. I don't think I've ever gotten a request to gift-match for Valentine's Day. There is a lot of intimacy in this holiday, and also many unspoken expectations that can make it hard to ask for help. I wonder if shame plays a role. If you’re having trouble finding the right gift for a partner, does it feel like you’re failing them? Like they’ll think you don’t love or understand them? It’s important to remember that gifting shouldn’t be a test. (Yes, even if their love language is gifts.) Gifts are an expression of care and an ongoing conversation between two people. You don’t need to get every individual gift exactly right. The point is, you’re learning to care for each other together, over time.

Okay, but what about…

Some Valentine’s Day gifts are harder to choose than others. Here are a few of our favorite what-ifs.

from Redcap Cards, Phoebe Wahl, and Oblation

1. Your partner is outwardly too cool for Valentine's…but still seems disappointed when you don't do much on Valentine’s

Liz: They want you to do more, even if they don’t want to admit it or ask for it. There is a specific delight in two people indulging in a bit of holiday cringe together. And this particular holiday foists a lot of cringe upon the culture. There is so much heteronormativity, so much performativity, and so many ways to be reminded of relationship difficulties--past and present--that complicated feelings around it are inevitable for many of us. While it's okay to skip this holiday (or any holiday), it's also okay to long for a bit of pink and red nonsense, romantically chosen for you at the CVS. Here, the gift is as much about giving them what they want but don’t feel comfortable asking for as it is about the item (or experience) itself.

Brigid: A card with an in-joke might invite them into the cringe in an accessible way. I love puns for this. Puns are unpretentious. Musician? “You hit all the right notes.” Animal lover? “Otterly in love with you.” Or lean into the sappiness: “I like you more than avocado toast.”

1. To my butter half. 

2. A little bit of dopamine is released in my frontal cortex when I hear your name.

3. Snarky Valentine’s Day definition

4. Would you like some whiskey and a backrub?

If not a pun, you can’t beat a simple “I love you” or “Happy Valentine’s day!” for an inscription.

2. A brand new relationship

Liz: The key here is a) scale and b) thoughtfulness. The gift needs to be a precision strike: not so big, decadent, or expensive as to suggest that you think you're further along in the relationship than you are, but also not a complete afterthought that makes them wonder if you don't know them at all, or think that you're a terrible gifter in general, or that you don't remember the key moments you've already shared. 

You’re deep in the getting-to-know-you phase. So, think back on your interactions. Did they mention an upcoming trip? Consider a pocket-sized travel or language guide for that destination. Is their place covered in plants? Dedicated plant collectors always need plant pots, even very small ones for things like succulents-–bonus points for a vessel that’s handmade. Did you meet at a pottery class? Try a niche sculpting tool and/or a nice-looking container for their tools.

Brigid: With a card, you want to show them that they matter while limiting the intimacy and vulnerability–this time. Mini cards are excellent here, tucked right under the ribbon of a gift. They’re incredibly cute, and you can write a couple heartfelt words without worrying it’s inadequate or too sappy. Avoid the word love. 

1. Happy Valentine's day

2. Besos

3. XOXO

Inscription: “Thanks for being my Valentine.”
You’re showing them they matter. This is not the time for last-minute plans or dollar store cards. Simple + lovely is the path to success.

3. Your kid just aged out of the whole-class Valentine's Day card exchange

Liz: Acknowledge that they are experiencing a loss. They're now too old to receive a hand-collaged mailbox of 15-30 bulk-buy cards (many that contain candy!!). Yet, they’re probably also too young for a romantic relationship in which they'd get to experience a new kind of V-Day gift exchange. For them, I'd suggest taking a candy- or chocolate-making class together, online or in-person. Or, surprise them after school with Valentine's versions of their favorite candy, in an amount that would feel decadent to a child.

Brigid: A grown-up sized card on weighty paper. Do not skimp.

1. I adore you so.

2. You make the world a better place.

3. You make my heart saur.

4. Fancy floral happy Valentine’s day

Take time to write a note about what you admire about them. Not just enjoy, not just appreciate, but admire. That note of respect can really make a difference for a kid who is working hard to navigate the world.

4. Your partner the artist or aficionado with highly refined and specific tastes

Liz: The task is not to try in vain to match their taste--it's probably constantly evolving anyway. The task is to give gifts that a) reflect their joys and values, and b) are not demands. Demand gifts are things like art prints, which they might feel pressured to display, or crafting tools, which they might feel pressured to use, even if these things don't quite fit their life or style.

My favorite non-demand gift categories are books (especially secondhand/antique), food, and tickets to classes or events. In short, consumables. Consumables let you gift things that are rare, singular, artisanal, and often already beautifully packaged without spending a fortune. They also don't need to provide indefinite joy, which is a big plus for a person who is always seeking novelty.

Brigid: Do you like to make cards? Or, do any of their favorite artists sell cards? If not, supporting a small artist is likely the way to go. Do not buy a card from Hallmark. Do not buy a card from Amazon. 

1. Phoebe Wahl, Grateful for you or You make my heart leap

2. Claudia Lowry exquisite florals

3. Oblation’s handmade seed paper heart with a Frida Kahlo quote

4. Party Sally’s coffee-themed “I’ll take you any way I can get you.”

A heartfelt note is the only way to go here. “Grateful we’re in this life together.” “Thank you for teaching me everything there is to know about native plants / record players / cheese.” 

5. The partner you've been with forever

Liz: Have you already given each other every kind of Valentine's gift? Do they just buy everything they want for themselves at this point? Is your home already bursting with stuff? Do they not even like sweets all that much? 

Having been there/done that with one person for a very long time can present a broad category of issues around demonstrating romantic love once a year, even if you enthusiastically want to get them something. But, just as the issues are varied, so can be the solutions: 1. Write them a letter about all the ways you're proud of them, or things you did together that you think about all the time. Bonus aesthetic points if it’s handwritten or typed on a typewriter. 2. Cook something you normally don't cook at home (like a full steakhouse-style dinner or a neapolitan pizza) and present them with a menu in the morning. 3. Gift a repeat of the very first Valentine's Day gift you got them. 4. Take care of an annoying task you know has been on their to-do list for a while. Etc.

Brigid: Nostalgia is a force for good here. But so too is looking at them with fresh eyes. It’s easy to overlook how much magic is in the everyday. Do they make sure you never run out of coffee? Do you carry them with you into negotiations? We become a part of each other after so many years, and that’s beautiful.

1. For my favorite person

2. Owl always love you

3. Grow old with me

4. i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

5. You are my light.

You can write about memories, you can write about hopes, you can write about gratitude. Take a moment and see them.

6. The one you're considering ending things with

Brigid: If you're certain you're done, then you don't give anything, obviously, but if you're not yet sure if the clouds will pass, it gets complicated. 

Liz: Knowing nothing specific about the relationship other than that at least one person is thinking of ending it, the most authentic option I can offer is an honest conversation. Set some time aside to discuss these feelings, well in advance of the holiday, and don't think about the gift until afterwards. Hopefully, your mind will be clearer and calmer. Nobody wants to gift in a state of mild panic: Should I spend this money when I'm not sure the relationship will even continue? What if my ambivalence is obvious because of the gift I give them? Am I being honest about my feelings and true to myself with this gift? 

Doing this in advance can take the pressure off to find something right this minute. And it can help preserve the holiday so that future years aren't impacted by the memory of this one. 

Brigid: During hard times, joy probably involves either where you've been or where you're going. Maybe the card has an artistic photo of your favorite vacation or honeymoon. Maybe you write something like, "Thankful we’ve had so many good times” or “Here’s a toast to all the joy yet to come.” Maybe that joy will be together, maybe not. But you can wish for beauty in the future either way.

1. To my valentine

2. Love (with penguins)

3. We’re in this together

4. A big red heart

7. The zero-waste partner

Liz: One of my faves! People who appreciate gifts but don't want physical items force you to expand your definition of a gift. If you can be stealthy enough, it's usually so appreciated if you thoughtfully repair something they own and love (e.g., patch a pair of jeans, repair a necklace chain, refinish a dresser). They might also like gifts of classes to learn how to repair, reuse, and upcycle things themselves.

Brigid: Instead of a card, perhaps a heartfelt, hand-written note on reused scrap paper (or if you wanna go way extra, on handmade native-plant seed paper made from paper bags, scrap paper, or egg cartons. FYI, heart-shaped deckles are available too). The seed paper card is a staggering amount of work compared to grabbing one in the checkout line, but so is a relationship with an ardent idealist. Both are worth it.

Party Sally’s “I’ll take you any way I can get you.”

That’s it for Valentine’s Day 2025.

If you need to reach Liz for a gift consultation, email her at elizabethrosebryson@gmail.com.

As always, drop your trickiest situation in the comments. Liz and I are here for it.

And—happy Valentine’s Day, friend.