Hello, friends. Our Mother’s Day conversation is last minute this year, not for the first time. It’s coming up Sunday, btw.
What to write
I’m going to keep this brief. With many holidays, and especially Mother’s and Father’s day, there is pressure to write something positive about people you may have pretty complex feelings about. It’s okay to honor the piece of your relationship that is good, instead of writing what you feel expected to say.
How do we find the part that is good? Ahh. We search for it. Oftentimes, the flip side of what bugs us is something that we treasure.
Does she heckle you about when you’re going to (get married, have kids, start a business, be more like so-and-so)? Okay, so what I’m hearing is she’s persistent and knows what she wants. Maybe doesn’t have much of an acquaintance with boundaries, but we get to set that aside for now.
“Thank you for showing me how to hold tight to my values.”
“The older I get, the more I appreciate your persistence in helping all of us grow into our best selves.”
Do you feel like she was a better parent (or better person) when you were a kid than she is now?
“Thank you for showing me how important it is to always strive to be my best self, my whole life long.”
“I really appreciate how much you emphasized loving our neighbor when I was a kit. Those values continue to shape me today.”
Do you have really wistful memories of things you did together that you can’t imagine doing now? Good, good.
“Hey, I was thinking about the time that we ___ and it inspired me to ___. It was fun to remember all our good times.”
“I was just telling a friend how wonderful it was to ___ with you. Thanks for showing me how full of fun the world can be.”
Is she abusive and unapologetic and not doing her best at all? No card. Unless she’s controlling your access to healthcare or something critically important, in which case do what you gotta do. Also please watch this.
You’re stumped?
“I hope you have a happy Mother’s Day.” No, seriously, you can’t go wrong with wishing her a lovely day. Call her, and ask her questions about her life.
Mary Van Geffen has great take on flipping through Mother’s Day cards, and instead of thinking of the ways each one’s not a fit, dreaming of what cards you want written to you in twenty years. This applies far beyond Mother’s Day. What thank you cards do I hope could be truly written to me? How can I carry that with me now?
Please carry good things with you.
What to buy
I’m not linking to many cards this year, because it’s far too late for the small shops I like to order from, but if you’re in Portland, walk into Oblation. If you’re in Indianapolis, try Silver in the City. Walk into your local florist, or stationery store, or funky gift shop, and I bet you’ll find something like this:
Elegant from Oblation
Funny from Ladyfingers
Warm..but limited from Oblation
Gifts
If you are looking for a gift and the obvious answers aren’t working, first sit with the thought that maybe there is no correct answer, then see if you can live with any of these alternatives:
a donation to a charity that she likes, or that reminds you of her (bonus: if she hates it, you’ve still added a drop of good in the world)
Heifer International feeds the hungry
Doctors without Borders provides medical care
The YWCA helps women leave abusive situations
Her local food bank, library, animal shelter, etc.
a gift card to something she likes that no one else in the family does, like a yarn store or garden center, to hold space for her interests. Bonus points if you go with her.
and again see last year’s post, on Mother’s Day gifts when you have procrastinated til 72 hrs before you see her
If you’re still meandering through your thoughts, check in with yourself about whether you truly need a bridge or a shield card.
If you need a little humor, there’s always our fictional advice column of what Lizzie Bennet could write to the incomparable Mrs. Bennet.
Good luck, friends.